What Doesn't Kill You...

Apologies in advance for the content of this post, but I have things I need to get off my chest, and find it very difficult to vocalise my emotions, which is part of the reason I started this blog in the first place. But, where to begin? Well, I suppose I should start with an admission.

I have suffered from depression for most of my life. Even as a child I remember feeling like I wanted to just hide away from the world. I can't remember when it started - maybe it was when my dad died, but I'm inclined to think it started before that. My God, it's quite scary to think that I may have had this problem as far back as junior school!

When I think back, I spent most play times sitting on the wall of the playground, all alone, watching the other kids play. I was alone a lot back then. And during lessons I'd sit quietly, hoping no-one would notice me. If the teacher asked the class a question, I'd never put my hand up, even if I knew the answer. God forbid! I really didn't want to give the other kids a reason to make fun of me. I learned really early how to put up invisible walls between me and the rest of the world - in other words, I retreated inside myself. Shut myself off.

I have an extremely poor self-image and fully expect to be disliked/ridiculed/derided etc by everyone I meet. Most of the time I can fake it, make people think that everything in my garden is rosy, but then it can take one tiny little thing to send me over the edge - maybe an innocent remark, taken the wrong way, or some imagined insult or slur. I react completely out of proportion to the perceived injury, and have been known to cause quite a scene, for which I am, later, absolutely mortified.

I find it really hard to ask for help when things get on top of me, as they frequently do. This is because I don't believe I deserve it, even though, if things were reversed, I'd help anyone in need. I have actually been known to give someone my last fiver, knowing that I'd never get it back, just because I felt their need was greater. Many's the time I've allowed a so-called friend to treat me as a human doormat because I thought I deserved nothing better.

But now, due to my stubborn refusal to admit that I was over-reacting, I have managed to alienate the one person in my life that means the most to me - my son. He now wants nothing more to do with me, and who could blame him? For most of his life he has had to endure my deepest depressions and been helpless to understand what was wrong with me. I'm sure that at times he even thought, wrongly, that he was to blame.
Little did he know that he was the bright and shining centre of my dark, unforgiving universe.

I'm so sorry, son, for all the pain and anguish I've caused you down the years. I'm so grateful to you for putting up with me for as long as you have - I owe you so much!  I'm so glad that you have found a partner worthy of you, and that she and the kids make you so happy. I wish you well and you can always be sure that I love you all very much. Of course, you'll never read these words, but I had to put them down in black and white for my own benefit.

So I'll grieve for a while, and there will be tears, because I have no choice but to let you go. I bear you no ill will for your decision. Enjoy your life, son -  live and love to the fullest. Try to forget the bad times and concentrate on the good. You have a glowing future ahead of you. Meanwhile, I'll carry on with the day-to-day business of my life and hope that you can find it in you to think of me kindly now and then.